Flu Blues and Unexpected Gifts

Down for the count. That was me last week.

One morning, I couldn't even talk. My husband sang, "Hello silence, my old friend." It hurt every part of my body to giggle. Every day, I sent in new lesson plans to school and fretted about my class. Every day, I lay in bed and worried that my son was being exposed to yet more germs, and only days after recovering from the last IVIG.

And as I lay in bed all week, in between bouts of sleep, I felt my world narrowing in. Without work, it's all about family. And PANDAS. 

PANDAS, PANDAS, PANDAS. Ugh!

"Welcome to MY world," my boy would say if I ventured to complain about a flu symptom. Whoops. Does he really feel like this EVERY day? 

Ouch.

When did my world get this...boring?

When did I get this...droll and obsessed?

Yeah, I got hit with the flu blues...but while I was under its spell (and I sorta still am...this thing likes to linger,) I began feeling...gratitude. 

I have one healthy child. Whom I worry about. But she's healthy.
I have a loving, often supportive husband. Who works from home and takes care of us all. Who made me the best-tasting honey-drenched tea while I was ill. Many, many times.
I do not suffer with fatigue, migraines and body aches every day. Only when I'm under the thumb of the flu monster. But some of my fellow PANDAS and Lyme parents have PANDAS and/or Lyme themselves. Yet they don't give up. On the contrary, they're activists, or in the case of one amazing woman, going back to school for a degree in healthcare. 

So, there I was, feeling lonely and sick, when my friend called. She is a friend I've had for over twenty years, a pal who traveled to Greece with me, met guys with me, tried drinking retsina with me. A friend who joined me for movies (and tissues for Schindler's List) and for late-night dinners in the summer when temperatures hovered around 100 degrees and it was too unbearable to even microwave a meal. A friend who meets me for organic lunches and visits when my son has his IVIGs. A friend who still laughs at my stupid jokes and thinks I'm hilarious. A friend who questions all the medical information I give her and listens...to everything I say. A friend who makes me laugh.

And suddenly, I was that girl again, the one who loves to dance, who wants to pursue other dreams and adventures, who still yearns to own a horse.

And I want to return to Greece. I want to take my husband to Venice and my children to Hawaii. I want to escape the chains of medical problems and bills, of my kids having fewer friends because of this ordeal.

The doorbell rang on the last day of my confinement. "Someone with flowers," my son yelled. And sure enough, there was a delivery for me from my godmother. Get Well Flowers to remind me that I am loved.

I returned to work on Monday, still tired, still feeling like my world had finally shrunk to the point of a surgical needle. And that's when I received my last gift. I was speaking with our school guidance counselor, who suggested to me that my husband and I get outside for a five-minute walk every day. Just getting outside will help you know that the world is so much bigger, she said. And the fresh air, no matter how cold, helps.

He immediately agreed. We left the kids in the house. We left the dog, so eager to walk with us, in the house. We got out, under the vast starry sky, and walked, holding hands, breathing out in the chilled air. And the next night, we did it again.

Something so simple. 

My daughter is thrilled. She loves that we are smiling together, spending a little alone-time together. 

And this daily time-together is getting us through the next PANDAS flare (brought on by out son being exposed to the flu!)

Comments

[Leslie]

Thanks for sharing your story - I'm new to PANDAS and am reading all I can on the internet. Your journal is comforting and hopeful. Thank you!