I dedicate this to all my sister and brother PANDAS-moms and -dads out there.
I get by with a little help from my friends. Truly, I can't imagine where I'd be without a few very special sister PANDAS-moms. We're always there for one another, and we also make each other laugh.
We were messaging back and forth one night, not too long ago, and somehow, lit upon the idea of writing a Dick and Jane PANDAS tale. Without one alcoholic drink between us but with probably a half dozen antibiotics running through our systems collectively (for Lyme Disease,) we let it all fly out. Here are those silly results. Not for the novice, not for a child, only for someone who wants to take a step back and laugh PANDAS in the face. (Note: the other authors of this choose to be known as Anonymous.)
DICK AND JANE READER
See Dick. Dick has PANDAS. See Jane. Jane has PANDAS. Sick Dick and sick Jane. Poor Dick. Poor Jane. Poor Mother. Poor Father. Poor Spot. Poor Puff. Poor baby Sally. Who might someday have PANDAS also.
See Dick tic. Tic, Dick, tic.
Hear Jane tic. Tic, Jane, tic.
See Dick kick. See Dick kick Puff. See Puff run.
See Jane scream! Scream, Jane, scream. Jane screams at Dick.
See Jane obsess. Obsess, Jane, Obsess. Obsess. Obsess! OBSESS!
See Dick break things. Break, Dick, break. See Dick smash the TV. See Dick bust through his door.
See Mother take Dick and Jane to the doctor. Do you know what Munchausen's means?
See Mother drink. Drink, Mother, drink.
See Mother Facebook. Facebook, Mother, Facebook!
See Jane’s teacher scratch. Jane’s teacher scratches her head. Jane’s teacher says Jane does not tic. Jane does not break things. Jane gets wrong answers on math problems. Jane should be more careful with her handwriting.
See Dick’s teacher scratch. Dick’s teacher scratches his head. Dick’s teacher says that Dick calls out. Dick's teacher says he puts Dick in the corner.
Hear Mother say no one puts Dick in the corner. Dick is sick. Can’t you see Dick tic? If you can't see that Dick is sick, you are a dick.
See Father frown. Watch Father write a letter to the school district. Watch Father and Mother hire an advocate and an attorney.
See relatives sneer. Sneer, relatives, sneer. They smirk and say that Mother and Father are not good parents to Dick and Jane. The relatives could do better with Dick and Jane. They would give them a good smack to their bottoms.
Hear Dick’s father yell. Yell, Father, yell! See Dick hide. Hear Mother yell. Mother yells at Father. Father yells at Mother. Dick yells at everyone.
See Dick cry. Hear Dick wish for different parents. Hear Dick wish to die. Don’t die, Dick, don’t die.
Hear Dick’s grandmother accuse Dick’s father of being a dick.
See Dick bite his nails. Bite, Dick, bite. See Dick bite his fingernails. See Dick bite his toenails. Dick doesn’t need a scissor or nail file anymore!
See Jane pull her hair. Don’t pull, Jane, don’t pull. See Jane with hair wrapped around her finger. See Jane's finger. It is turning blue.
See Jane’s friends. Jane has three friends.
Jane has two friends.
Jane has one friend.
Jane has no friends.
You can’t see Jane’s friends. They disappeared.
See Dick write. Dick can't write. See Dick add. Dick can't add. See Dick pee. Dick CAN pee. Everywhere. See Dick pee everywhere.
See Jane eat. Jane can't eat. Eat, Jane eat. Eat more food, Jane. Jane needs food. Jane will not eat. Jane eats air. See skinny Jane. See weak Jane. See Jane who cannot eat.
See Doctor scratch his head. Scratch, Doctor, scratch. Hear Doctor say mental disease. Hear Doctor tell parents they must have mental disease running in their family and that Mother and Father must be depressed. Hear Doctor say that Dick and Jane are sick because Mother and Father are sad.
Hear Doctor say, “Disturbed children. They need pysch meds.” Hear Doctor mention, "Hospital."
Hear Dick say, “What are psych meds?”
Hear Mother say, "Doctor, you don't know Dick!"
Hear Father yell, “Look at the medical bills! We're paying all our money to stupid Doctors!"
Hear Jane scream. Jane screams every night. Hear Jane cry. Hear Jane say she is sorry. Hear her say she is sorry again. And sorry again. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Hear Dick ask if the melatonin is mint. Is it mint? Is it mint? Is it mint? Every night, Dick will ask if the melatonin is mint.
See Father want to get frisky. See Jane sleeping in Father’s and Mother's bed. See Father turn around and go to sleep in Jane’s bed. Poor Father. Poor, poor Father. Poor Mother. Poor, poor Mother.
See Dick sleep. Dick cannot sleep. See Mother sleep. See Dick wake up Mother. See Dick sleep. Mother cannot sleep.
See Jane hit Dick. Jane, do not hit Dick!
See Spot run. See Spot make a spot on the rug because he's stressed that Dick is sick.
Hear Jane say, spot? Spot made a spot? Out, damn spot! Out, damn spot!
See Dick pee on the spot.
See Mother buy Nature’s Miracle. See Father try to invest in Nature’s Miracle’s stock. Father can’t invest in Nature’s Miracle’s stock. All Father’s and Mother’s money has gone to the Doctor. Hear Father yell.
See Mother finally throw out the rug.
Run, Jane, run! See Jane run. See Dick run. See Jane run faster and then beat the living day lights out of Dick. See Mother hold Dick. See Father hold Jane.
See Mother find a PANDAS Doctor.
Hear the PANDAS Doctor say that Dick and Jane can get better. Hear the PANDAS Doctor say that they have a medical disease. Hear the Doctor say that Dick and Jane will take pills.
Hear Mother and Father sigh and cry.
Hear Mother say, “At least the media is telling our stories….”
Hear Father say, “No one is telling our story, Mother. It’s just you and me, Mother, and our PANDAS doctor. We will help Dick and Jane.”
Hear Dick ask, “Are the pills mint? Are the pills mint?”