I've got brain fog. Oh my G-d. I can't think. Actually, I can, but I have to work extra hard at it and the anxiety over having trouble thinking is getting in my way. Plus, it's all exhausting. Can't I just go back home and nap?
I'm back at work this week, planning curriculum/projects for the school year. I didn't want to go back. I've been home from school for two weeks. The first week was spent going with my son to IVIG and taking care of him after, as well as visiting my own Lyme doctor then taking my own new antibiotics and experiencing my own Herxheimer's reaction. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy, as my daughter used to say.
The second week was spent calling my son's doctors because he wasn't faring well after the IVIG. And bicycle riding. Yep, I'm back on the bike, and when I finally get my butt on that bike seat and start peddling, much of my lethargy takes a back seat (umm...there's no back seat on my bike.)
Sleep has also defined my life lately. I can sleep ten hours. Or more...? I creep out of bed (and do my physical therapy stretches) only because I'm the one who knows how to prep my kids' meds. I don't know if I'd wake up otherwise, until maybe 2 PM. Gosh, I should be simply gorgeous after all that beauty sleep.
So, this morning, I was miserable and chiding myself to have a better attitude. So WHAT if my stomach's a mess! So WHAT if I had to get up "early" in the summer? So WHAT if I feel like sleeping every half hour? So WHAT if I left my cell phone at home and had to turn around and grab it because I'm LOST LOST LOST without my cell phone, baby!
This is my job and I'm good at it.
Well, until this morning. I walked in JUST IN TIME. I'm someone who likes to be early. We received a list of everything that we could/should work on, as my colleagues and I are studying problem-based learning writing with a consultant. And then the stress attack began.
Nobody knew how anxiety-ridden I really was (I think...except the colleague I confided in? But she didn't realize how extreme it was for me because I was smiling as I told her.)
I couldn't even log on to the requisite google doc (neither could others.) The printer wasn't working. I couldn't copy from one google doc to another (which turned out to be not my problem.) I had come with a list of the activities I want to accomplish but even that list was and continues to be overwhelming. I had committed to working 6 days but changed my mind.
If I don't work all 6 days...and I'm not, I will still complete these units but I won't be on the clock. I'll do them on my own time instead of earning the money that goes to pay for our Lyme doctors (notice the plural?) In fact, it's evening and I've been googling ideas for my projects. I'm dedicated. I'm just not 100% healthy.
Happily, I did make it through today, with more direction for a now combined science/social studies unit that will ignite my 5th graders creativity and hopefully help them make great learning connections. Sounds good, yes? I still feel very air-hungerish over it all. Last year, I was chockful of ideas. Now, I'm a puddle of lowly emotions.
My son has been through all this for months, maybe years. So many days, I prayed (yeah, I do that sometimes even though I claim to be a nonbeliever): let me be afflicted instead of my son. He's so little. I can handle it.
Well, I guess my vote of confidence in some higher power was heard. I have Lyme also. I have brain fog. I am having trouble with my own executive functioning skills which is really super hard for me because I have always been a great learner and teacher. I'm probably also herxing. I'm trying to whip this Lyme's butt and I really need my summer to do that, because I need to get my thinking-brain back for September.
I'm here to tell you how it feels. Frustrating beyond belief. My thinking feels like frozen molasses sliding from the jar into a bowl--and don't interrupt me because I'll forget my thought. My short-term memory is shot. What did I just write? My short term memory is...you get it. Like I want to shout to the world that I'm having trouble (and it's not normal for me!)
Yet, no one really understands. No one truly cares. Only others who have Lyme get it. And it hurts that no one really grasps how difficult it is to be a parent of a child who has been ill for so many years. And a parent to another child who shows symptoms. And a parent who is also ill, albeit not that much compared with others. I always compare myself with others. I have no right to feel so sorry for myself!
The good news is that I went for a short bike ride with a friend/colleague right after the 6-hour thinking-hurts-my-body day and it felt wonderful! The road melted under my wheels. We talked, laughed, finished the ride in too-short a time. I came home, took a HOT shower and listened to the thunderstorm, warm, safe and dry.
And the other good news is that my son is thinking again. So maybe I did take the brain fog burden from him.